Matt Sussman's Next Futile Attempt at Comic Mastery

This thing's still here?

2005-05-11T18:38:00.000-04:00

Gosh, I had no idea.

But since people will still wind up here, I just want to let everyone know that I probably won't be writing in this anytime soon. I will most likely start up a new venture. But in the meantime, I will be writing for Blogcritics this summer, while experimenting with changing my pen name to my full name, Matthew T. Sussman, and all my archived columns will be found here. Just saying the full name is bone-chilling. The name smacks you in the face like the fist of a burly sailor who hasn't seen land since "Home Improvement" was on TV. Matthew T. Sussman. Matthew T. T-Suss. I've been neglecting the T. all my life, but maybe it's time to make my T. known on the Internet. And maybe I will capitalize all the T's for The resT of This senTence. T. hee.

So check out the post BG News phase of Matthew T. Sussman and his new image. And make sure your shoelaces are tied before those persistent ants build over them, granule by granule.

Fini.

2005-01-02T19:27:00.000-05:00

The lack of attention might have tipped you off. This blog's pretty much done. If I come back, hooray. If not, I'll probably work on another site, preferably with my own domain, server, etc. It'll be more than just a blog. Right now it's still in the developmental stage, however. But I got big plans for it. So sit tight and if you really want to know when it's up, e-mail me (hail2thesuss@yahoo.com) or post a comment and I'll be sure to let you know when it's presentable.

Where'd everyone go?

2004-11-30T21:07:00.000-05:00

Good thing I haven't done anything in a while, because everyone up and quit their jobs today:
--Butch Davis resigned as Browns' head coach.
--Tyrone Willingham will not come back next year as head coach of Notre Dame.
--Tom Ridge resigned as Homeland Security Secretary.
--Ken Jennings finally lost in "Jeopardy" — to Nancy Zerg — a dame, of all people.
--Tom Brokaw's final show as anchor of "NBC Nightly News" is tomorrow.
--John Lyons, coach of Dartmouth football, was fired (I know nobody cares, but it counts.)
--If anyone watched "Office Space" today, Michael Bolton and Samir Nagheenanajar were canned. Mmmkay? Thanks Peter.
--People are calling for Kofi Annan to resign as Secretary General of the U. N.

At least I have a "job." Which reminds me — I better get back to it.

You just got Piston'd!

2004-11-20T19:03:00.000-05:00

Ugly brawl broke out at the Pacers-Pistons game (no, not a hockey game).

But this captured my attention as one of the most ironic displays in bad timing.

Someone noticed the electric boards at the time of the fight:

Obligatory "sorry I haven't written in a while" post

2004-11-17T15:44:00.000-05:00

What have I learned during my absence?

—It's not uncommon to fall asleep to Jet's "Cold Hearted Bitch," then to wake up to it, because that's how much it's played.
—If you're using Internet Explorer, make the switch to Firefox.
—My count of posts greenlit by Fark: 2
—My count of dead pool right guesses: 1
—No matter how much stuff you can't find in the BG Newsroom, you can always find napkins.
—The Homestar Runner DVD was definitely worth the wait.
—The price of NCAA Football 2005 for Gamecube: $49.99
—The price of Madden 2005 for Gamecube: $49.99
—The price of NCAA Football 2004 for Gamecube: $14.99
—The price of Madden 2004 for Gamecube: $14.99
—The only differences between the two: Miami and Virginia Tech are in the Big East. Adrian Peterson is non-existant. Tim Couch wears a Browns jersey. The Buccaneers are good.
—Scott Peterson ain't right.
—I need to re-design my blog.

Didn't they see this was boring last year?

2004-11-08T14:05:00.000-05:00

CFBNews.com, a tremendous no-frills site about college football, has weekly bowl projections. This week they project Bowling Green to play in the Motor City Bowl against ... Northwestern?

Can we play someone else?

Last year BG played NU and beat them 28-24.

They're very generous in projecting four MAC teams to play in bowl games. They see NIU running the table and playing in the GMAC Bowl, unofficialy the best bowl in which a MAC team can play. They also predict that since the Pac-10 will not have enough teams to fill their bowls, Marshall could take a trip out west and play in the inaugural Emerald Bowl (formerly the San Francisco Bowl). The weird one, the Houston Bowl, may be Miami playing Troy. The criteria is usually the worst bowl eligible teams between the Big XII and the SEC, but it could shape up to be MAC vs. Sun Belt?

All MAC teams do is win bowl games. If they make these games competitive, maybe some at-large teams could earn these spots when weak conferences can't pick up the slack.

Right now the MAC has 4 bowl eligible teams (NIU, BG, Toledo, Miami) with Akron and Marshall one win away from joining them.

Let's hope that those 4-5 big-conference teams don't win another game. (Specificially, Oregon State, Washington State, Stanford, Kansas State, Missouri). And maybe some of those 5-4 teams will fall flat on their faces and win no more games.

Right now the MAC has 4 bowl eligible teams (NIU, BG, Toledo, Miami) with Akron and Marshall one win away from joining them.

Four more Dubyears

2004-11-04T13:49:00.000-05:00

If John Kerry won, people would be cheerin' and hollerin' and going all willy-nilly on campus.

Since John Kerry didn't win, the Bush supporters have been very passive and controlled.

So what happens when someone who's angry about the outcome reads the sentence, "HELL YEAH, BUSH IS RE-ELECTED! WOOOOHOOOOOO!"

Think abouts it.

I need to write for Blogcritics more ...

2004-10-31T01:47:00.000-05:00

It's not every day I review music CDs. In fact, the Paul and Storm review I wrote for Blogcritics was the first of its kind for me. This was back in August.

The cool part?

Paul and Storm read it. They appreciated the review so much, they posted it on their Web page. (Scroll down to "Quotes.")

That's good incentive to write more for Blogcritics. If you want to be heard, you might want to try it too.

Free dinner recipe

2004-10-30T13:07:00.000-04:00

One of the benefits of being on Paul and Storm's mailing list are those little nuggets of comedy I used to send out when I was editor-in-chief of Scarred For Life.

PAUL AND STORM'S EASY DOWN-HOME PROGRESSIVE DINNER



INGREDIENTS

- One (1) neighborhood. Not necessarily yours.

- One (1) watch.

- One (1) pair of boots made fer walkin'. You will be walking.

- One (1) pair of pants with pockets.





PROCEDURES

- Check the watch. Do nothing until the watch reads at least 6PM. Once

it is 6 PM, proceed to the next step.

- If it is past 8:37 PM, wait until the following day.

- Don boots.

- Start walkin'. Stop at any house in the neighborhood, preferably one

that is well-lit with nice landscaping.

- Knock on door.

- Demand soup.

- If person at door appears confused, repeat demand in louder voice.

Continue to demand soup until satisfactory product is produced. Consume

soup and then allow boots to walk to next house.

- If person at door is large or has a weapon, proceed to next house and

repeat the last step. Repeat as necessary until soup is acquired.

- Knock on door of second house.

- Demand Hot Pockets.

- If you do not receive your entree immediately, pronounce "Hot

Pockets" repeatedly in a rhythmic chant until satisfactory product is

produced. If person at door is large or has a weapon, blah blah blah...

- Once the item is acquired, place it in your pants pocket. You're not

hungry for that yet. You want salad first. Proceed to next step.

- Knock on door of the Smith family. You already know that they agreed

to provide salad.

- Eat salad, even if it has stuff in it that you don't like.

- Say "thank you". We live in a civil society.

- Now that you get the idea, repeat these steps, but instead of "soup",

"Hot Pockets", or "salad", substitute any food or drink that you

desire. Continue to progress through the neighborhood until you are sated.

- Bask in the nexus.

- If at any time someone demands food from you, give them the Hot

Pocket.

Demmy kids

2004-10-27T13:41:00.000-04:00

The Nickelodeon Kids' poll is never wrong. It's correctly predicted the last four Presidents to win elections.

57 percent of kids choose John Kerry over George W. Bush (43 percent).

Know why?

Because any Democrat who knew they were gonna give birth to a Republican decided to have an abortion.

Michael Moore has cheese on his head

2004-10-26T14:41:00.000-04:00

Want to know who will win the election two days before the election? If you're superstitious, better read this.

"Serious?" Column

2004-10-26T13:34:00.000-04:00

Well, Dave Barry's indefinite departure from his humor column merits such an effort from me.

________ in background of Onion Infographic

2004-10-22T13:30:00.000-04:00

It's up to you to figure out what's so special about the background of this Onion Infographic.

Out-of-towners won't have a clue:

(It's downtown Bowling Green)

Drunk Falcons: delivers what it promises

2004-10-19T01:37:00.000-04:00

The website drunkfalcons.com, a site I had never heard of until it was featured on WTOL tonight, is just a large photo gallery of people in BGSU who get blitzed at parties.

The story says that the website promotes drinking. The website says it's not promoting drinking.

One of you is wrong. I'm gonna side with WTOL on this one.

When your website puts up pictures of shit-faced students, you're promoting drinking. You're glorifying it. You're not hanging their pics in effigy. You're telling the partiers "this is a good time to remember."

I think we're forgetting that binge drinking is a ridiculous habit. When the webmaster of drunkfalcons.com comes out and becomes a huge pussy about the situation (oh, we don't promote binge drinking, we just show clips), nothing will ever get done. Be true to your mission statement! Say getting hammered is awesome! "Party hard, but be responsible?" What is that? It's an answer on the fence that tries to appease partying students and the Wellness Connection.

Don't take the website down, though. I understand the potential liability for mentioning BGSU and incorporating their fight song in the site. That's kind of funny actually. But the site must remain up, as a monument to everything that is asinine about college life.

No real winner in D-Backs manager interview list

2004-10-15T19:22:00.000-04:00

Arizona's still looking for their next manager. It doesn't look like any real talent will emerge.

Al Pedrique, the team's interim manager after Bob Brenly was fired, will probably get the job, even though he went 22-61 with a terribly injured team.

Bob Melvin (fired by the Mariners after this season) might have a good chance too.

Mark Grace was a candidate. That would be a P.R.'s dream to market the team with Gracie at the helm, but I don't know if he has any managerial qualities.

The rest of the list is just a few base, bench and minor-league coaches: Mets first base coach DeMarlo Hale, Montreal third base coach Manny Acta; D-Backs class A coach Wally Backman, bench coaches Jamie Quirk and Joe Maddon.

Bill v. Bill cancelled: O'Reilly jumps ship on 'Real Time'

2004-10-15T13:43:00.000-04:00

The matchup I was waiting for is not gonna happen.

Bill O'Reilly was scheduled to appear on "Real Time with Bill Maher" Friday Night. Instead, he is replaced by author Garrison Keillor.

This comes as disappointing news. Regardless of which side of the fence you are on, you wanted to see the Bills clash. It's two pompous talk show hosts — one a "comedian," one a "reporter" — going at it.

I've tried to gather info on this but to no avail. Rarely do you see two hotheads butt heads. Granted, it's HBO — land of overhyped boxing — but it's a different kind of pay-per-view.

True, Maher and O'Reilly have debated before, but so what? I was looking forward to this one.

Not News, Part 7

2004-10-13T13:54:00.000-04:00

I threw this together last night, like I do every night.

No more Lark in the park

2004-10-13T13:52:00.000-04:00

Reds don't want Barry Larkin anymore. They told him they won't re-sign him, even though he was an All-Star this past year. Sounds to me like a grand effort to make sure the Reds suck forever.

14,273

2004-10-11T16:36:00.000-04:00

That's a lot of political ads for Toledo.

Rodney Dangerfield, Ken Caminiti and Christopher Reeve walk into a bar ...

2004-10-11T13:53:00.000-04:00

Yeah, Christopher Reeve can walk now.

Weekend round-up

2004-10-10T18:10:00.000-04:00

Of course I watch the game where St. John's loses to St. Francis (again) by 14-7 and amasses more penalty yards than passing or running yards, but I miss the 59-0 drubbing of Rogers.

Sidenote: Hicksville = Carlisle + a McDonald's.

Farking myself

2004-10-07T18:27:00.000-04:00

I subscribed to TotalFark, which gives me access to all the posts before they're posted on Fark.

In light of this, I decided to post the posts that didn't get Farked.

1. Right out of the Toledo Blade, a man robbed a bank and left his driver's license behind. Suspects include oh I don't know the guy on the license.
2. JibJab's "This Land" creators will debut a new cartoon Thursday night on "The Tonight Show" with the cartoon to debut on their website after that.
3. A Wal-Mart will open up next to ancient Mexican pyramids in Mexico City. I have a good idea for a name for a new Mexican Wal-Mart mascot: Rollbec.
4. Congress actually agrees on something! They unanimously passed anti-spyware legislation.

Finally, when I think about you, I Fark myself.

Not News, Part 6

2004-10-06T11:34:00.000-04:00

The column with unnecessary opinions — mine.

It's over!

2004-10-04T17:58:00.000-04:00

Zach Baker picked Green Bay to win over the Giants, in a tough slate of games. (A lot of home teams were not favored to win.)

Since the Giants won, Zach is out, and nobody wins.

In an interview Saturday with the last contestant:

Sussman: how's it feel to be competing against yourself?
Zach: it feels like taking a test alone because you missed school

How did I do?

2004-10-04T13:48:00.000-04:00

I'm gonna stick true to my baseball predictions before the season started:
(Green - right)
(Red - too high)
(Blue - too low)

AL East
My Predictions:
1. Yankees
2. Red Sox
3. Orioles
4. Devil Rays
5. Blue Jays

AL Central
My Predictions:
1. Royals (Nope, they were last.)
2. Twins (They kinda won.)
3. Tigers (They did improve indeed, but not this much.)
4. White Sox (That's what I call second place.)
5. Indians (Big surprise, didn't see that coming.)

AL West
My Predictions:
1. Angels
2. Athletics
3. Mariners (More of a disappointment than I had them pegged.)
4. Rangers (Better than expected. Really fell apart at the end, but a good year for 'em.)

NL East
My Predictions:
1. Marlins (The team I wasn't supposed to write off, should have been.)
2. Phillies
3. Braves (All together: What the fuck??????)
4. Expos (Montreal will never finish last again.)
5. Mets (A step above pitifulness.)

NL Central
My Predictions:
1. Astros (I looked stupid at the All-Star break, but they came together.)
2. Cubs (I look real stupid.)
3. Cardinals (Again, stupid.)
4. Pirates (Stoopid.)
5. Brewers (Dumbass.)
6. Reds (4th place.)

NL West
My Predictions:
1. Diamondbacks (Shut up.)
2. Padres (Surprise, yes. Runners-up, no.)
3. Dodgers (Hail to the victors of this stupid division.)
4. Giants (They're still a dumb team even though they finished second.)
5. Rockies (Wow, how'd they finish out of last place? ...oh, right.)

Playoff teams:
Yankees - yes.
Red Sox - yes.
Royals - nope.
Angels - yeah.

Marlins - no way.
Astros - "yes."
Cubs - haha, that's a no.
Diamondbacks - again, shut up.

Four teams right out of eight. And it goes back to my old prediction: I'm half right, as always.,
Except for correctly placing teams — I'm 8 for 30 on that. (.266 batting average)

Bowling Green 70, Temple 16

2004-10-02T19:51:00.000-04:00

That's either the football score on Saturday, or the percentage of students with STD's.

Debatespeak

2004-09-29T14:04:00.000-04:00

People who have already decided Bush or Kerry shouldn't have to watch the political debates. These debates are not about changing people's minds, they are about helping undecided voters make a decision.

People set in their ways will watch the debates in a one-sided manner and will not get the full effect. Spend your time more constructively, there is no need to reinforce your decision time and time again.

[At this moment, the author realizes nobody ever reads this.]

Elimination, Week 3

2004-09-29T14:01:00.000-04:00

Obligatory post saying Zach Baker rules. Broncos beat the Chargers.
Teams he's used up: St. Louis, New England, Denva.

Timmy's back in town

2004-09-24T02:43:00.000-04:00

I missed Heywood Banks in Toledo, as did many of us. But Tim Cavanagh's return to T-Town won't be missed.

Almost a year to the day, he comes back for a weekend at Connxtions Comedy Club in Toledo. This brings back memories of my opportunity to interview him and write a column about it.

Chiming in on Whetsel-Ribeau, adding to Google

2004-09-23T01:02:00.000-04:00

Every blog post will add to the search engine's already immense database.

Paula Whetsel-Ribeau, wife of BGSU president Sidney Ribeau, was as the interim assistant to the vice-president of Student Affairs. No job search, but she appears to be qualified.

Let's compare leads from two different stories. First, from the Toledo Blade:

"In the midst of a hiring freeze, the wife of Bowling Green State University President Sidney Ribeau has been selected for a $66,000-a-year job whose duties include accompanying her husband at university events."

Now from the BG News:

"In an e-mail directed to faculty and staff, Sidney Ribeau, University president, decided to let others know why he thinks spousal hires are acceptable and why his wife, Paula Whetsel-Ribeau was hired this year."

When you compare the two approaches, you can see that the Blade clearly isn't in approval of the hire. Given the piddly facts they received? I don't blame them. But it was shoddy journalism to say there was a hiring freeze when the BG News reported the "selective" freeze was lifted a month before she was hired.

The byline of the Blade article said "Her duties include going to functions." This depicts a very poor judgment. The story lists many duties, including "developing and implementing BGSU staff diversity training, as well as so-called 'first lady' responsibilities." Diversity training sounds important. Why wasn't that listed in the byline? Maybe it doesn't sell as well.

Blade staff writer Kim Bates did a substandard job on her article, as did Roberta de Boer in her P.O.S. column.

BG News editor-in-chief Carrie Whitaker did a remarkable job on her article. Then again it's easy to say that because I have two classes with her.

I could say more, but meh.

Not News, Week 4

2004-09-22T01:58:00.000-04:00

Another fantabulous week of humor and charades. I love that Not News Editor, who wrote a crime drama based in Bowling Green.

This weekly segment ensures at least one post a week, which is ambitious.

If I had more to say I'd say it here.

One man game

2004-09-20T01:33:00.000-04:00

Matt Cary picked Washington over the Giants, and Joel Hammond selected Green Bay over da' Bears. They both put their seal of approval on teams that lost.

Zach Baker went for the against-the-Cardinals tactic and it paid off for him. Now he's used up St. Louis and New England, and we'll just watch him see how far he can go.

He wins. I have no money for him.

Jules Verne is laughing, too

2004-09-18T20:20:00.000-04:00

There is finally consistency in the John Kerry campaign. Both objects portrayed here have the same temperature air inside of them.

Why life is hard for me

2004-09-13T02:48:00.000-04:00

Elimination Week 1 results:
Matt Cary: Practically cheated the game when Byron Leftwich threw a last second touchdown to lift the Jaguars over the Bills.
Zach Baker: Smartly picked the Rams over the Cardinals.
Joel Hammond: Really? The Giants lost to Philly? Wow.
Matt Sussman: Ravens couldn't beat the Browns. I suck at life. I'm out.

Late entry, Chelsea Snyder: No choice but to pick the Panthers over the Packers in the Monday night game.

Anyone welcome to join this stupid little game can do so but they have to pick the Panthers or the Packers. After that, you're not part of the club. Unless you're for frilly toothpicks.

Eliminator, Week 1

2004-09-11T17:27:00.000-04:00

So far, the entries are:

Sussman: Ravens over Browns
Matt Cary: Jaguars over Bills
Zach Baker: Rams over Cardinals

You still have time to make picks up till 1 p.m. EST Sunday (except for the Colts-Pats and Fins-Titans). Send your Week 1 pick to: hail2thesuss@yahoo.com

You can also leave your pick as a comment on this post. It's free.

Stolen ideas, stomped feelings

2004-09-10T17:11:00.000-04:00

After going 5-0 in college football predictions for the BG News, I figured my predicting abilities would land me on a spot of a thing Zach Baker had yet to think up — making NFL football picks.

Well, I did want to put something nerdy-football related on here. So I'll do one of those Eliminator tournaments on my blog.

Each week you pick a team you think will win. However, you can't pick the same team twice to win in a season. If the team you pick to win loses, you're done for the season.

Tomorrow I'll post the contestants and who their first game is (you can't pick Patriots/Colts, obviously, and that's a dumb game to use on your first week anyways).

Interested persons will be screened and potentially part of this free game, if they e-mail me (hail2thesuss@yahoo.com) soon.

Wanna know what's lovely?

2004-09-10T02:50:00.000-04:00

Making posts to your blog, and not having them show up until days later.

Sweet.

Not News, Issue 2

2004-09-08T13:50:00.000-04:00

Here we go again. Who can find the obvious disrespect in this humor column? (By me)

How about this one? (By newcomer Jim Levasseur)

A great Not News issue this time around, or at least the second best one we've had.

You might want to look at the PDF (page 5) to get the full Not News experience. (Warning, file is almost 2 MB. I weep for the dialup nation.)

How not to rob someone

2004-09-07T22:55:00.000-04:00

Six guys in the island of Fiji tried to rob someone — a black belt.

Needless to say, he wasn't robbed.

Priceless story exerpt:

Nordstrand tried to give his attackers a warning. "Do you want karate?" he asked.

One of the robbers did, but it was a bad mistake.

Those smart Jesuits

2004-09-04T15:56:00.000-04:00

It's nice to keep up with my alma mater. Saves me from having to give them money.

They're offering an Intro to Engineering class, a first in the NW Ohio region. As if they needed any more help developing smart young Christian scholars, they seem to be doing great on the scholar part, not so much with the Christian thing.

They really don't need my money.

Blindsided Political Rant, Pt. 1

2004-09-02T00:34:00.000-04:00

It's on. Actually, it's been on since January.

At the Republican National Convention, every elephant is slamming the donkey hard. John Kerry's record is being ripped to shreds by President Bush supporters.

Negativity something people say they hate to see on TV. They don't like political ads that bash candidates without any facts. And there are the GOP's, doing what people hate to see.

Guess they won't convince any voters to think otherwise. After all, they've already had their negativity nestled in their brain since the 2000 election, when their disdain began for Bush when Al Gore didn't become president.

First it was Bush supporters and anti-Bush supporters. Whoever was running against Bush, they'd vote for. Hey, it's their right.

To some, John Kerry is the only sensible alternative to Bush. To everyone else, Bush is the only sensible alternative to John Kerry.

So instead of "Bush or Not Bush," it's "Not Bush or Not Kerry." That's a lot of nots, and I'm not including Not News.

So you're on one side or the other. This is nothing new. All the people who were still undecided after the Democratic National Convention might now be swayed by the RNC, since it happened a month later than the DNC. The rest of the undecided will then vote for Ralph Nader, a scrawny little whats-it who went to Las Vegas and condemned the gambling industry. I believe he may be the first third party candidate to run with two broken knees.

So negativity's everywhere. For all the starry-eyed who say they're sick of the negativity, you started it. You hated Bush and blindly went to the Democratic candidate's side. Supporters of Bush aren't even giving Kerry a second chance because they don't know anything about him.

Both sides are stubborn, and it comes down to the swing voters, i. e. the college-aged stoners who will vote if they remember to. Perhaps Kerry should invest in some Visine to hand out during his campaign stops.

But don't give me this bull about not wanting to hear negativity. That's what's gonna help either Not Bush or Not Kerry win the election.

One thing's for sure though it's Not Nader. You can bet on that.

Not a blog post

2004-09-01T11:21:00.000-04:00

Last night the second page of the BG News I was working on was done at 7 p.m. Unfortunately, I wasn't out of there till midnight.

I guess technically I wasn't done because the last thing I had to do was print out the damn page.

Yes, it took me five hours just to figure out why it wouldn't print out. Everyone was stumped, everyone had suggestions, none of them worked.

Thankfully shop night editor Ben Swanger tried something very tedious: taking each object from the old page and pasting it onto a new one. One at a time. Should I mention that he printed it out after every object placement, even if it was just a vertical or horizontal line?

Anyways, I have those printed papers as a reminder of that night. It's kind of a historical flipbook to commemorate the occasion.

Was it the second page of Opinion? Not really.

The reason it was so important to me was it was the first page of my very own section. I revived the humor page that was taken away in 2000. At the time it was called "Page 3," but now it's just called "Not News." It's cool to see your name in print, but to see your section in print is something else. I wrote an introductory sermon about Not News, and that way all the answers you seek will be thine.

Stuck in my head

2004-08-31T01:52:00.000-04:00

Playing "MVP Baseball 2004" for PlayStation2 caused me to not only get "Walkie Talkie Man" stuck in my head, but it prompted a Google search for more info on this song, sung by Steriogram.

I found a music video of their catchy song. Fans of Peter Gabriel's "Sledgehammer" (or MST3K's "Pod People" episode) might see something familiar.

"He's fat and he don't run too fast, but he's faster than me." Coincidentally, this is what Christopher Reeve says of John Goodman?

I don't post much lately, since I'm feverishly working on opinion stuff, classwork and Not News.

Radio show updates to follow shortly. BG vs. Oklahoma this weekend.

Helping the starry-eyed, Pt. 1

2004-08-31T01:48:00.000-04:00

Many people want Bush out of office. It's the cool thing to say, the cool thing to think.

What many young'uns aren't even thinking is trying to vote in a Democratic majority for Congress. That's much more powerful.

You can have your ugly Prez, but if the House and Senate are a conservative majority then all your little beliefs are still in limbo.

I also wonder if two RNC protestors are making love right now. Hope they don't need the name of a good abortion clinic.

Would the person above our apartment please stop banging on your floor. Thank you.

Bush in Perrysburg

2004-08-29T00:41:00.001-04:00

With President Bush's visit to Fort Meigs in Perrysburg, Ohio, that makes it a sweep of the candidates. In the month of August, both John Kerry and Bush have made several stops in Ohio. Both have spoken in Wood County.

Gosh, I think we're an important state after all. Can we rule out Ralph Nader yet?

Macedonian Olympic update

2004-08-28T01:11:00.000-04:00

With former Bowling Green student, current Case Western student and long-time Macedonian sympathizer Andrea Vasilevski in town, it was up to see how well the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia fared in the Olympics:

Fifteen participants, no medals. Then again, as the old saying goes: in Macedonia, medal wins you.

Countries that did win at least one bronze:
Eritrea
Mongolia
Syria
Trinidad (and possibly Tobago, we'll do some more research)
United Arab Emirates
Cameroon (which I believe is a coconut cookie)
Iran (as heard in the Flock of Seagulls song. "Iran so far away!")

Sexy column

2004-08-28T01:03:00.000-04:00

My biggest critic said this was the best piece I ever wrote.

Anytime I write about sex and I write it all in the newsroom, I seem to strike gold.

Here's the gold-medal performance.

How could you tell the difference?

2004-08-25T23:07:00.000-04:00

I decided to mimic all the slaves to cell phones on campus. Today I walked back from the BG News holding my cell phone to my ear and talking into it. The difference? My cell phone was off, and no one was the wiser.

Curling news that's sweeping the house

2004-08-24T22:41:00.000-04:00

BULLETIN: It has been announced that the regional tournament will return to BG this year -- the 4th and 5th of December. Nationals to be held in Chicago from March 18-20. Markitdown.

Man vs. machine

2004-08-23T23:43:00.000-04:00

I've battled a TV w/out cable, a computer w/out Internet, a wireless router and a left ear that is mysteriously about 66% deaf.

On the plus side?
A humor page in the BG News, to be debuted next Monday.
The D-Backs have won 3 of their last 5, 4 of 8.
Everyone's finally online again.
I'm thinking about writing some songs.
Chicks at the BG News--Pretty much EVERYWHERE.

(w00t.)

Also, if you are reading this and are in my apartment complex, turn down the damn bass on your radio.

Not this week, slappy

2004-08-18T12:37:00.000-04:00

No Internet all week. Not till Monday.

Then you will know what I have to say.

Kilbs calls it quits

2004-08-13T21:06:00.001-04:00

Craig Kilborn is leaving the "Late Late Show" for some reason.

In two weeks they'll need someone else, but it's prompted me to think of who would replace him.

"Sussman's List of Possible Replacements for Craig Kilborn on the 'Late Late Show'" (a fancy title helps Google bring in more visitors.)

Conan O'Brien is the most likely candidate, because his contract expires in December. This would prompt him to become the successor to David Letterman, should he retire anytime. Jay Leno will most likely run longer than Letterman, so it's a possibility for Cones. Of course, he would have to go from NY to LA, most likely.

Jon Stewart would have been a sexy pick a while back, but he just re-signed with Comedy Central's "The Daily Show" for a few more years. He would have made it big though, and he is the best sit-down comic in television today.

Ellen DeGeneres won an Emmy for her new daytime talk show. Granted, all the soccer moms love her and wouldn't stay up late to see her, but she has the versatility to do a late night show with lots of success.

Dave Chappelle scored a hit with "Chappelle's Show." I don't believe an African-American has ever hosted a late night network show before, but has the talent to be the first. (David Alan Grier could do it too.)

Carson Daly isn't much of a fan favorite when it comes to the young male demographic, but he does have the cushy 1:35 time slot after Conan with "Last Call." If they offered it to him, he would probably take it.

Ryan Seacrest is as toolish as it gets. But his popularity from "American Idol" and his trademark sign-off "Seacrest out" could make for a John Madden-type "we're watching you because we're laughing at you" presence.
Jeff Probst is already on CBS, and how much longer will he want to host "Survivor?" How much longer will that show even last? While Probst has dreams of being a director, if they threw a show his way he wouldn't refuse it.
Harland Williams probably not going to be the next host, but he is a very versatile comedian along with my "dark horse" prediction. He's a comedian, writer, musician and even illustrator/author of his own children's book. That's what TV execs like to seeand I hope one day he gets his own show.

My fictional money is on Ellen being the successor to Kilby, but I don't know anything about her contractual obligations. Anyways, I took this time to create a new poll (bout damn time, right?) to let myself know what you think, before they name someone else. So vote, quick!

According to science, I'm one hot tamale

2004-08-12T19:35:00.000-04:00

A study done on attractiveness and first names has found that male names with front vowels (they use Matt as an example) are sexier than those with back vowels (Paul, Sean, George, Steve).

Front vowels are made in the front of your mouth, and back vowels are made in the back.

The opposite is true for women: back vowels (Rachel, Kate) are sexier than front (Jennifer, Nadia).

Too bad I can't truly figure out which ones are front and which ones are back, but I, Matt, am not one to argue with scientific facts.

But for now, I will have to purchase a pointy stick (pictured, right) to fend off the ladies, thanks to these findings. Thanks a lot, science

The 4-1-1: Movies I'm embarrassed to say I've never seen

2004-08-12T01:30:00.000-04:00

1. The Godfather
2. Star Wars (all the way through)
3. Ghostbusters (see #2)
4. This is Spinal Tap
But I'm glad I never saw it!: "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy (fell asleep during the first one, survived since)
... What I saw that everyone's seen that really wasn't that good: Pulp Fiction (entertaining, yes, but nowhere near the accolades it's received in the past 10 years)

Leaving all my IM homeys hangin'

2004-08-12T01:14:00.000-04:00

It's the classic "Into the Forest" dilemma—when we rely on technology so much, how do we react when it fails on us?

My AOL Instant Messenger gave up on me. When I went to upgrade, the installation failed and I have sinced tried to fix it, my computer currently has no IM capabilities.

Are you so tightly knit into life with AIM that if you didn't have it, you'd lose all your friends?

Well now you're my friend.

Dumb Cincinnati Bengals trivia

2004-08-11T02:14:00.000-04:00

The wait is over. I finally received the 2004 Bengals Official Merchandise catalog. I think I get it every year ever since I bought a Bengals jersey with my name on it (I am good enough to play linebacker for the Bengals).

So let's do some trivia. Which of these Bengals do not have a featured jersey in the catalog?

A) Carson Palmer
B) Chad Johnson
C) Rudi Johnson
D) Peter Warrick

Which of these is not an item in the catalog?

A) Bengals golf balls
B) Bengals plastic forks
C) Bengals pacifier
D) Bengals spatula
E) Bengals tape measurer

Answer in the comment link below, or throw a rock at my window with your answers.

Winners receive ... aw hell, you can have this catalog if you want. There's some great crap in here.

Ronnin' down a dream

2004-08-10T10:07:00.000-04:00

Fresh off the BGSU Athletic Department press release wire, men's basketball player Ron Lewis has requested a release from his scholarship at the University. He wishes to continue his education and basketball career at another college. But first, the University must investigate the motive behind the requestif he was pressured to leave by another college, then that would be what they call in the biz an "NCAA violation" (then again, what isn't these days).

The man was going to be a junior this year, and last year he led the team in scoring with about 17 points a game. In all likelihood the request to leave is legit and that will leave the basketball team without yet another great player. I guess that makes John Floyd (SJJ represent in the blizzog!) the starting shooting guard.

People do well when they start at BGSU then leave. On March 7, I wrote about this very topic when I noticed former Falcon Erik Crawford playing basketball for NCAA tournament-bound Northern Iowa. Hey, he made the tournament and we didn't, and you won't hear it from any of the homers that bleed orange and shit brown that Crawford, in hindsight, made the right move. That is, unless BGSU makes the tournament this year (not likely now) and wins their first round game.

Ron Lewis has the talent to go to a big conference school and contribute as a starter or bench player. But he won't average 17 points a game, which will suck if he has dreams of doing this basketball thing for a living.

The most decorated plumber

2004-08-10T09:59:00.000-04:00

I have to reprint this on my blog because I absolutely love my latest Spoof article. In fact, it's put me in the Top 15 Spoof writers for this week (#14). Far be it from me as to how they come up with that number, but ooook.

Mario awarded Purple Heart
by MATT SUSSMAN
Thespoof.com Writer

Mario (file photo, circa 1985), poses with his Purple Heart award.

MUSHROOM KINGDOM—Mario, hero of the famed "Super Mario Bros" video game and avid plumber, was awarded the Purple Heart by the United States Military, marking the first time a video game character has ever won the prestigious award.

Mario, a legendary hero in video games, has rescued Mushroom Kingdom's Princess numerous times since 1985, when "Super Mario Bros." debuted in America.

"Mario is indeed a hero," said General Toad Stuhl. "Anytime the Princess was in trouble, Mario was there. Anytime Yoshi was trapped in a question box, Mario was there. Anytime he had a strange dream about some monster named Wart, he was there. But the important thing is, many 1-UPs and Fire Flowers were lost during the course of his valiant efforts to thwart Koopa's evil plots."

When asked about his feelings on accepting the award, simply said, "Yahoo!"

Mario's steed, Yoshi, expressed his sentiment on Mario's newest award.

"He's quite an admirable human being," Yoshi said. "It's not every day you meet a man who can unclog toilets, jump 10 times his height and also have a doctorate degree specializing in Eliminating Four Viruses in a Row of the Same Color."

Captain Lou Albano, who portrayed Mario on the short-lived "Super Mario Bros. Super Show," said of Mario, "Are you offering me work? I need it. If you're not, then get outta here!"

Skeptics argue that Mario's Purple Heart was not a result of bravery, but dumb luck and foolhardiness.

"Mario was always getting into danger without heeding any caution," said 'Bullet' Bill Szymanski. "I remember in stage 2-3, he kept jumping from broken bridge to broken bridge, all the while Cheep Cheeps jumped out of the lake. To this day I still think he should have used the Warp Pipe in Stage 1-2. As a result, he spent a lot of unnecessary time pulling those pointy fish out of his butt."

"He's not that tough," said Marty and Bruce Hammer, known better as the Hammer Brothers. "Anyone could be a hero if they have carefully placed mushrooms and raccoon suits along the way."

Luigi could not be reached for comment. Well, he was reached, but he couldn't comment, because for some reason he doesn't speak anymore in recent games.

Said Princess Peach, "He's a sweet enough guy, but did he have to stalk me all the time? I had to change my name a couple times to get him off my back. First I was Daisy, then I was Princess Toadstool, and now I'm Princess Peach. Still, that weird little Italian saved me from Bowser's clutches many times, putting his own body at risk."

Mario has lost an estimated 185,673 lives in his lifetime, using 34,531 continues. Many of his deaths include being crushed by Spiny eggs, falling off moving platforms and running out of time.

When asked about his adventures in the past 19 years, Mario simply said, "Let's-a go!"

Media experts predict that if Mario is awarded two more Purple Hearts, he may try to win the Democratic nomination for President in 2008.

Why it's almost football season

2004-08-09T23:27:00.000-04:00

The 2004 AFC-NFC Hall of Fame Game was on Monday Night Football's season premier, and John Madden gave us the first quote of the year:

"You can't bring a burger to a man and not bring ketchup and mustard."

The Broncos and Redskins played and the Redskins won, proving that ... Washington's third string is better than Denver's third string?

I'm a friggin machine

2004-08-09T00:22:00.000-04:00

Another spoof story—related to the U. S. military.

I have also found another great satire site: The Fake News. Right now, my favorite stories on this site are the Lindsay Lohan and the Trodgor stories.

LIL' WAYNE "HOT" NEWS ITEM: Be aware of the BG News' new section in the fall.

I leave you with words of wisdom: never shoot yourself in the ass. (Pay careful attention to the last line of this story.)

Feeling bad for not writing lately, so here's a long one

2004-08-08T01:29:00.000-04:00

"Friends" is already on its Season 7 DVD, and "Seinfeld" just got on the boat.

The Kansas concert at the Centennial Terrace was overwhelmingly disappointing. The lead singer, Robby Steinhardt, didn't sound like the guy that sang 25 years ago. He sounded more like Axl Rose, although I did dig his fiddlin'.

The Danger Brothers, who played at the Terrace the very next night, might have been a better concert. I wouldn't know, since I was hangin' with Mark from 94.5 outside the venue, as he was doing his live show from there. However, from what I did hear, the Danger Brothers played with a lot of energy and seemed to have the crowd dancing and in better spirits. They don't have any of their own songsthey played everything from "Johnny B. Goode" to "Fight For Your Right"but if you play it well, then who cares if you're just a classic rock cover band?

Greg Maddux showed everyone he is a good pitcher today, earning his 300th career victory against the Giants. Starting against him was Brad Hennessey, a Toledo native and a graduate of Whitmer HS. Um ... cool?

Rick James died. No one knows why, but nobody's really surprised.

President Bush addressing the Pentagon: "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." Does the man want to get re-elected or not? Of course he does. And these are just the kind of quotes that will help him win re-election. (I will write a column about why sometime in September.)

John Kerry hasn't had many embarrassing quotes (save that of the mention of Buckeye football in Michigan), but that's because he doesn't say many things without looking at the polls first.

Ralph Nader hasn't had any quotes, because nobody's listening to him.

I always wanted to see Tom Sizemore play the role of Pete Rose. Favorite Sizemore memory: Snake Dupree in "Big Trouble."

IMDB always shows me something new and fascinating. "The Untitled Onion Movie," scheduled for release in December, will be a sketch comedy movie from the writers of "The Onion." I'm nervous as hell to think that this will suck, since I don't know how good a feature film could be. Print comedy doesn't always translate well to visual comedy. However, whatever I say won't stop the movie from being made, so it's best to remain optimistic, and hopefully this movie will be what crowns "The Onion" as the decisive king of comedy in the United States. The amount of people unaware of its existence is rather alarming.

The Hilton sisters were burgled. If the saying "You are what you own" rings true, then the robber made off with nothing of value. Also, "burgled" is one of the best crime-related words. It's right up there with "pander" when talking about words that sound made up.

"Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" has a Lord Voldemort finally casted, and that man is Ralph "Don't you Fucking Pronounce that 'L'" Fiennes. He looks scary. Works for me.

I feel better.

A friendly reminder

2004-08-07T02:17:00.000-04:00

I don't have many things to say, because I am tired.

Use this free time to read that on my blog which you have yet to read.

Suffice to say, a "shitload" of writing

2004-08-04T22:03:00.000-04:00

BG News: column | editorial
Spoof: sports article | election article
Blogcritics: column

I also suggest you read Kristi's column on Teresa Heinz Kerry.

Maybe in a couple days I'll start writing stuff and proofreading, too. "D'ya want it right or d'ya want it fast?"

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it

2004-08-03T23:40:00.000-04:00

USA Basketball: You guys aren't so tough when they call traveling, are ya!

Last Comic Standing

2004-08-03T23:26:00.000-04:00

Tonight was the "semifinals" of "Last Comic Standing." The final six comedians will soon be cut down to three next week.

All of them had pretty good performances. If I were to vote solely on their act tonight, here's how they would stand (e. g., the Last Comic Standing Comic Standings):

1. Kathleen Madigan
2. Alonzo Bodden
3. John Heffron
4. Gary Gulman
5. Jay London
6. Tammy Pescatelli

Here's the thing: Tammy Pescatelli has said funny things before, but the new material wasn't that powerful. She had Janet Jackson jokes and Paris Hilton jokes, but those are old news. Nobody cares anymore. Gary Gulman seems to be getting funnier and funnier, but I still wish he delivered the jokes with more energy. This was the first time I really saw Kathleen Madigan, because she had never done a head-to-head competition. Maybe that's her A-list material, maybe that's her B-list material. Jay London didn't have the greatest set, but that's only because the four above him were exceptional. John Heffron's bit was continuous, which none of the other comics had done. His four minute bit about picking up a girl in a bar was very funny. I don't pick up chicks in bars ("oh, really? That's news to me") , but it seemed as if I would be able to relate to it. Alonzo Bodden's material also referenced earlier jokes, which made it memorable. He does have good delivery, and even though he's black, he doesn't force his blackness upon us like Corey Holcomb did.

After some soul searching, I will vote for the top three performances. Jay London didn't blow it himself—the other comics rose above him. I was planning on Jay, Alonzo and John to get my votes, but that's not how it turned out.

Two Spoofy articles

2004-08-02T22:17:00.000-04:00

My first two articles on The Spoof are now online. Guess I wasn't waiting for moderator approval, but rather I just had to check the little box.

Technology's sweet.

Sports: Red Sox win World Series on "MVP Baseball 2004"
Technology: Oojaboo rivals Google in search efficiency, cuteness of name

P. S. If you like these, please please please please (please?) rate them well at the bottom of those articles.

Spoofing

2004-08-02T22:04:00.000-04:00

In my conquest to one day be a writer for The Onion, I have signed up to write for The Spoof, a user-driven site that has lots of satirical content. When my stuff gets posted, I'll put it here.

Shame and Cookie Dough

2004-08-02T20:55:00.000-04:00

I'm on BlogCritics, and I just wrote my first entry for them—a review of "Shame and Cookie Dough."

Eleven thoughts on J. F. K. in B. F. G.

2004-08-01T20:56:00.000-04:00

11. Press passes are sweet. Mike Metzger, who came up with some dymanite pictures of the event, cooked up some media credentials for all of us, and even though they were bona fide, it strikes me as funny that people like us had access to the same rafters as big media like AP and CNN.
10. The Kerry campiagn must have struck a deal with U2. Four of their songs were played during the rally (out of about 10 songs I heard). "Pride," "Beautiful Day," "Elevation" and "Where the Streets Have No Name" were blasted to the public. (But the streets did have names—Main and Court. Odd.)
9. A few times Kerry would say, "Let me just say this," as if someone in the crowd was gonna say "No, you had your turn! Let someone else speak!"
8. The stage was put on the intersection of Main and Court (BG Library, Pisanello's). The protestors were on Prospect and Wooster—just a block away.
7. I got some sunburn on my pointy nose. Go fig.
6. Ben Affleck was nowhere to be seen—most likely filming the sequel to "Jersey Girl."
5. Sen. John Glenn made an apperance, and was the first speaker. He went up to space and brought back Dennis Kucinich, who was also in attendance.
4. He may not be flaunting Christianity, but isn't the usage of phrases like "hope," "dreams," "believe," "together," "honor thy father and mother," "values" and "top of the mountain" depict a more secular version of this apparently hypocritical right-wing faith?
3. Kerry's speech was very rehashed—the man is not saying anything new compared to last week's Democratic National Convention, save that of a few references to the BG Falcons and the UT Rockets. But he did have a very supportive and enthusiastic crowd waiting for him. It does say a lot that he feels Northwest Ohio is an important trip to make right after the DNC, since Ohio is a very valued state to control. He's a tall man, and he speaks well, and that might be enough trivial reasons for people to like him.
2. The temperature must have reached at least 85ºF. Water bottles were going everywhere, the EMS had their hands full with a bunch of wimps who wouldn't take the heat. I say this as someone who has suffered from heat stroke and became gravely ill with a 104ºF fever and hallucinated that Metallica was in my bedroom.
1. Freedom? Health insurance? Hope? Help? Dreams? Values? Nope—confetti reigns supreme. Confetti and decorative campaign signs

The 23 Commandments

2004-08-01T02:13:00.000-04:00

Norman Chad's 23 points about sports TV, and TV in general. Thumbs up approval.

Puddle Scum

2004-07-31T20:15:00.000-04:00

I may be an intern for Cumulus Broadcasting and therefore endorse and represent all sponsors associated with its radio stations, but I just have to get this outClub Rain is one of the dumbest places in Toledo.

I was there for one reason and one reason alonethey asked me to go there, and I really wanted those free Kansas tickets, so I did my best impression of a spineless intern who wants to jump through hoops for access to a good band.

It's just a night club, and last night they had "Rock Fight," sort of a battle-of-the-bands type competition, only all of the punk bands think screaming into the mic is considered talent.

Meanwhile, they blasted techno music and had a couple of cage dancers wiggle their fannies (did I just say wiggle their fannies?) as the 106.5 DJ called-in every half hour telling people what a crazy scene it was. The sorry conclusion was that the bouncers were probably the coolest people at the club. Save that of the cage dancers, the patrons didn't match the dance music, but they fit right in with the crappy bands, one of which will eventually win $5,000 for being the lamest white people in Toledo.

If you're considering Club Rain as a night destination ... well, don't. You're better off staying at home and playing the demo songs from your Yamaha keyboard and watching BET at nightessentially, it's the same, only you can hear yourself think at home.

Time to end this post on a high noteit was fun hydroplaning the 106.5 The Zone van from Headliner's to downtown Toledo.

Preseason NCAA poll reflections

2004-07-30T15:20:00.000-04:00

The ESPN/USA Today Coaches preseason poll was released today, and there aren't many surprises. Here are a few thoughts:

Nebraska is not ranked! They're 26th to start out. Doesn't sound like everyone agrees that Frank Solich should have been fired.
Five MAC teams received votes. Toledo is 35th with 33 points, Bowling Green is 39th with 22 points, Miami U. is 41st with 21 points, Marshall is 45th with 13 points, and Northern Illinois is 49th with 10 points.
The voters are 61 of the 117 D-IA head football coaches. From the MAC, BG's Gregg Brandon, WMU's Gary Darnell, Miami's Terry Hoeppner, Ball State's Brady Hoke, NIU's Joe Novak, UCF's George O'Leary and Marshall's Bob Pruett are voters. That's 7 of the 13 schools—I don't have the time to research if that's a record or not. I do find it funny that nobody might have voted for BG except Brandon, who could have put them 4th in the nation, and that would explain the 22 points.
On second thought, that's kind of scary... a one-time coach for Notre Dame (George O'Leary) is now coaching in the MAC. Of course, he only coached Notre Dame for a week—in the offseason, thanks to his resumé.
Arizona's new coach Mike Stoops is also one of the voters, and since this is his first time coaching, this is undeniably his first time voting. I'm not saying he voted for his own team, but last year's 2-10 UA Wildcats received a single point in the voting this year.

Just so you know ...

2004-07-30T00:48:00.004-04:00

... this headline is not funny.

The election that counted

2004-07-30T00:32:00.000-04:00

NBC's "Last Comic Standing" had its Wild Card competition, and Jay London is back on the show. All is right with the world.

London beat out four other comedians with his dry wit and clever jokes. "I took a crash course on defensive driving." His jokes took a while for the audience to understand, but so what if it takes three seconds more to understand a truly clever joke?

He looks uncomfortable on stage. He wears a sleeveless shirt and he has his coat in his hand.

I would probably see nine of the ten comics featured on this show if they came to Connxtions Comedy Club.

So here's my second version of the "Last Comic Standing" Comic Standings

1. John Heffron
2. Alonzo Bodden
3. Jay London
4. Tammy Pescatelli
5. Gary Gulman
6. Kathleen Madigan

As for the four comics that didn't make it, I'll rank them too, although what's the point (then again, what's the point of ranking anything?)

1. Todd Glass
2. Corey Holcomb
3. Bonnie McFarlane
4. ANT

We miss you, Jim Wiggins.

Kerry's On My Wayward Son

2004-07-30T00:13:00.000-04:00

(Yep. Kansas is on the mind. It's also a gay joke.)

John Kerry is going to make an appearance in downtown Bowling Green. Word is they will rope off Main St., which will be fine, because it's not like there's any construction on Wooster Street or anything to make it even more congested in BG. He's bringing Ben Affleck with him. Want to play a trick on ol' Ben? On the Cla-Zel movie theater sign out front, put "NOW SHOWING: REINDEER GAMES."

The BG News asked me to go with some other writers to see Kerry speak, so that I can write an editorial on it. It's an opportunity unparalleled of any I have experienced. I have yet to see a presidential candidate in person, and this is my chance to see what it's like. I'll try to keep an open mind about the guy up to that point, but odds are it won't change my mind one way or the other. His campaign is smart to travel to Ohio right after the DNC, and especially in Northwest Ohio.

He's ugly, but since he's a good speaker and is taller, he'll probably win the election. People like that sort of thing.

How to tell when someone dials the wrong number...

2004-07-28T21:10:00.000-04:00

(My phone rings.)

Me: "Hello?"
Voice: "Hey, what's up my nigga'?"

R-Dub's 17-week plan

2004-07-28T19:40:00.000-04:00

In a special to FOXSports.com's website, columnist Randy Hill offers side-splitting insight onto what free spirit (and recently unemployed-by-choice) Ricky Williams should do this year, in a 17-week itinerary format.

(You can scroll down to the part where it gets into the week-by-week activities, but the first part isn't bad either.)

I need a new dream ...

2004-07-27T23:54:00.000-04:00

... and it just may be male modeling.

NBA athletes are big (and tall) babies

2004-07-27T00:01:00.000-04:00

When we placed 6th at the 2002 World Championships, all the American NBA players were supposed to come back and fuse together to become the second coming of the Dream Team at the Olympics.

And then the players didn't want to go to to Athens because of "security reasons."

These are the same players that have connections with drug dealers and drive unsafe SUVs.

The rumor is that one NBA player has said that 80 percent of all NBA players smoke pot. This isn't a racist issue, but simply that a lot of these rich athletes know lots of unsavory characters.

Are they any safer in the streets of L. A. as they would be in Athens?

As Dave Chappelle has said in his stand-up, "terrorists ain't never taken no black hostages." Any Al-Qaeda madmen who make their way into the Athens perimeter will want to murder some white devils. They probably don't even know what basketball is.

Given that, let's look at the team we are sending to Athens:
Carmelo Anthony
Carlos Boozer
Tim Duncan
Allen Iverson
LeBron James
Richard Jefferson
Stephon Marbury
Shawn Marion
Lamar Odom
Emeka Okafor
Amare Stoudemire
Dwyane Wade

Yeah, that's an awesome teambut it's a young team, and they could be so much better. To show how, let's look at a fictional roster of NBA players who won't be going to the Olympics:
Ron Artest
Kobe Bryant
Baron Davis
Steve Francis
Kevin Garnett
Richard Hamilton
Jason Kidd
Kenyon Martin
Tracy McGrady
Jermaine O'Neal
Shaquille O'Neal
Ben Wallace

I'd love to get Strat-O-Matic Basketball to simulate 7 games between these two rosters and see who wins more. If the non-Olympic team wins 4 games, then we are in serious trouble over there! If the Olympic team wins 4 or 5 of these simulated games, then our basketball team didn't improve that much from the team that finished 6th in the world, and lost to Argentina, Yugoslavia and Spain (and the championships were held in Indianapolisthey couldn't even use the home field advantage).

Let me be the first un-American person to say USA does not win the Gold Medal in Men's Basketball in Athens this year. There are a lot of competitive teams out there. There are a lot of superstars who won't be representing our country this year for dumb reasons. At least our team has enough good players that they don't have to ask Raef LaFrentz to play for them again.

Of course, baseball players are even more of babies for not participating in the Olympics at all. They use their amateur athletes to participate, and resultantly the team did not qualify for the Olympics this year. At least the NHL breaks from the season for the Winter Olympics, but it's a moot point because there will be no NHL soon enough.

And like I had to tell you this...

2004-07-26T16:42:00.000-04:00

My newly highlighted hair looks fabulous.

Senator Sportsfan

2004-07-26T16:39:00.000-04:00

I don't know why I'm doing this, but this 10 Burning Questions for John Kerry article makes you forget about politics. All that was asked were sports questions, and since it is an ESPN piece, that is all we ask.

Cat Nipped

2004-07-26T14:47:00.000-04:00

Halle Berry's "Catwoman" flopped at the box office, coming in at #3 behind "The Bourne Supremacy" and "I, Robot."

I had no idea people wouldn't want to see two actresses (Halle, Sharon Stone) who are over-the-hill, and neither of them take their clothes off. Instead, people want to see a thrilling drama with Matt Damon and Will Smith vs. evil robots?

Wait, maybe that does make sense.

We will know more once we find out this weekend if people really want to see foreign kids go to White Castle.

(P. S. — Mozilla isn't as fast as IE, nor does it show the Flash logo at the top of my page, but it still hasn't crashed on me. Time to weigh importance.)

I drafted Ricky Williams at the right time -- in 2002

2004-07-25T02:12:00.000-04:00

I'm glad I was again stuck with Deuce McAllister as my first pick in the BG News' fantasy draft. I'm glad my name isn't Mike Metzger. I'm glad of many things. I'm glad I'm not a Dolphins' fan!

Ricky Williams reportedly called coach Dave Wannstedt and said he was retiring at the old age of 27simply five years in the league.

I'm sure the man has lots of reasons to retire. I'm sure I could come up with about five hilarious ones, but four of them are most likely integral subplots from the short-lived drama "Playmakers."

It takes a big man to turn down a lot of money to play a game. He is one of the league's most reliable workhorses. He could touch the ball 40 times on any given day and put his team in a position to win.

This story was first reported by the Miami Herald's own Dan Le Batard (my second favorite Herald columnist, please I hope you know who the first is), and it appears in today's edition of the paper.

Le Batard wrote, "He wants to study, learn, search, travel, question, write, meditate, read, wander, find himself, climb mountains, take pictures of waterfalls and be Dad without being interrupted by another 8 a.m. meeting to dissect film."

It's a punishing gameespecially for running backsand I can't disrespect a man who values his knees.

The 4-1-1: Video game wish list

2004-07-25T00:18:00.000-04:00

1. Mega Man Anniversary Collection (10 Mega Man games in 1. That's promising as hell.)
2. River City Ransom (It's back, released for Game Boy Advance.)
3. Tales of Symphonia (Gamecube RPG, a rarity).
4. MVP 2004 (Probably won't happen, since the roommate has the PS2 version.)

No thanks
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (Very good movie, and the Quidditch game was rather intriguing, but a video game that is trying to stay true to a movie that tried to stay true to a book is like taking a picture of a picture.)

Should I buy it, despite I don't own the system?
ESPN NFL 2K5, for Playstation 2 (20 bucks, and I always will have access to a PS2 as long as I live.)

IE Carumba, Part 1

2004-07-25T00:10:00.000-04:00

I've had it with Internet Explorer.

When I upgraded to version 5.5, it installed on my PC like a stick going diagonal into the mud. It's been inconsistent, frustrating and often unreliable -- like the Arizona Diamondbacks.

Enter Mozilla.

I still feel very awkward, but the only thing I miss so far are the permanently underlined links. I kinda enjoyed the "show the underline when above it" function on IE.

But that's all I hope I miss.

What GOTMILF means

2004-07-24T01:42:00.000-04:00

I've been getting some Google traffic with people's intent of finding the meaning of "GOTMILF."

A MILF is an acronym for a "Mother I'd Love to Fuck." In short, it's a very enticing older women. Just ask Ashton Kutcher.

Haven't you people even seen the movie "American Pie?"

I hope you come return to my humble blog for all your obscure dirty phrase needs.

The 4-1-1: Sports Stories Talked About Too Much

2004-07-23T14:40:00.000-04:00

1. Randy Johnson trade rumors [He'll be traded when he's traded.]
2. Lance Armstrong doping allegations [He'll test positive for blood doping when I test positive for athletic ability.]
3. Tiger Woods' "slump" [Sure, he hasn't won a major in a while, but I ask you to look at the world rankings: He's still #1.]
4. NASCAR drivers racing other circuits [Drivers have always done it, sometimes they get a little banged up, that's what separates auto racing from other sports.]

Not Blown Out of Proportion (yet): Marion Jones drug allegations [I am starting to disbelieve that she is clean, after C. J. Tucker's claims.]

Finally Dying Down: L. A. Lakers' offseason [When the only news is Vlade Divac's return to the Lakers, this story is officially over until the next season begins.]

So that's how I'll do my lists. The 4-1-1 will list 4 items, then 1 item in its own category, and 1 item that doesn't really belong in the category.

The new guy on SC

2004-07-22T00:21:00.000-04:00

You know what? I really like the "Dream Job" winner, Mike Hall. He brought his A-game the first night, and the second night wasn't bad either.

He's already pulled out a Simpsons reference "I'm going to give him the Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence" and a Zoolander reference "Call him Hansel cause he's so hot right now."

Since he's 22 years old, he's compatible with the college-aged demographic.

In a USA Today article, "SportsCenter" managing editor Norby Williamson said that Mike Hall's debut ranked in the top 10 or 15 out of the 75 that have done it.

Said Williamson, "He wasn't just doing play-by-play of highlights. They were informative. We didn't protect him. We had him doing the opening highlight, a serious one on Kobe Bryant and a fun one."

So you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna list Nine "SportsCenter" Anchors I Like Right Now, unordered. (i.e., no Charley Steiner, Kenny Mayne or Chris Berman, since they're not regulars.)

1. Dan Patrick
2. Stuart Scott
3. Scott Van Pelt
4. Neil Everett
5. John Anderson
6. Karl Ravech
7. Bob Ley
8. Mike Hall
9. Rece Davis

Actually come to think of it, that might be in order.

Weird.

Col'm

2004-07-22T00:20:00.000-04:00

How my failed "Dream Job" audition went, and why I'm not crying over it.

Stifler's License Plate

2004-07-22T00:18:00.000-04:00

Bad Story: Random drivers called and complained about a man's license plate, "GOTMILF."

Badder Story: My dad showed this site to me.

Just Beyond Anything Bearable Story: He didn't know what a MILF was. It was up to me to explain it.

...where credit is due.

2004-07-20T12:39:00.000-04:00

ESPN's Bob Ley doesn't get enough credit for being an excellent moderator of thought in a culture where controllers of thought get all the attention.

Flip?

2004-07-20T00:42:00.000-04:00

Flop.

The Canadian S-Bomb

2004-07-20T00:30:00.000-04:00

"Happy Gilmore" was on CBC tonight, and very little if anything was censored. They freely kept in the word "shit" along with footage of buttcracks. NBC would never do that.

So if you dare make fun of Canada, keep this in mind: Never do Canadians say "Oh, that movie is on TV? It won't be any good because they'll cut so much out."

Sussaudio

2004-07-19T23:12:00.000-04:00

It's in the works that I will have a talk radio show with the BG News' lovely Kristi Leigh. Here are the top six names we have thought of the show so far:

1. Shut Your Face!
2. Talk Casserole
3. He Said, She Said
4. Sex Wars
5. Beauty and the Jerk
6. Zip It, Bonehead!

You guessed it, we're struggling for a title. For now, the cream of the crop, ladies and gents. Do you have a better idea for a name for a talk radio show involving me and a girl?

I think his name is UshKast?

2004-07-18T23:19:00.000-04:00

Some rapper is on TV singing about how he likes the way I move. Ain't he a sweetheart.

Take on a new show: 'The 4400'

2004-07-18T22:55:00.000-04:00

I checked out USA's new show 'The 4400.' That's what they call all these people abducted by aliens in the past 50 years and return into the year 2004 without aging. And guess what -- there were 4400 of them. How clever.

I missed the pilot (both parts) and jumped right into the second episode. At first I thought it was called 'The 4400,' explaining how many subplots the series had. However, it does show a lot of potential to be the next 'X-Files,' another show I never watched.

However, there is nothing on my TV schedule for "Sundays at 9" to watch. After all, this week on network television was 'The Simple Life 2' and 'Quintuplets' (FOX), 'Extreme Makeover' (ABC), and one of those 'Law and Order' spinoffs. Also, the movie 'Rat Race' was on TBS. I'll try to keep watching this -- it's something I could get into. Not only that, but USA's original programming could easily be considered better than -- say -- NBC's shows. I haven't watched 'The Dead Zone,' but I've heard very good things about it from other people. And of course, who doesn't love 'Monk?'

And this show reaffirms a belief I've had: old shows used FBI and CIA agents. Cool shows (like this one) use Homeland Security agents.

'The 4400' is on USA on Sundays at 9 p.m., 8 p.m. Central, and that's 3 p.m. Hawaiian time. Give it the entire hour, you might understand what's going on. 'The 4400' website lists 5 of the abductees, and in the episode I watched, one of them died trying to be a superhero. 4399 to go.

And now for something you didn't know!

2004-07-17T21:19:00.000-04:00

I will not be the next SportsCenter anchor.

My blog is for sale?

2004-07-16T11:58:00.000-04:00

Some weird fantasy game site, BlogShares.com, lets you buy and sell stock in online blogs like it was some kind of freakin' stock market. I should know, because mine is on there somehow. Oh what Java scripts can do for a site.

So sign up if it sounds like fun to you, and buy some mattsussman.blogspot.com stock! (Sorry, all the Onion stock is spoken for.)

I will be in Cleveland until Saturday night, auditioning for ESPN's "Dream Job." I should probably dream on, but this could turn into some kind of wonderful column.

Madden 2005 vs. ESPN 2k5

2004-07-15T18:34:00.000-04:00

These two games don't come out until Aug. 10, but Game Informer magazine had a feature this month about the two games.

Right off the bat, the remarkable aspect of ESPN 2k5 is that it will be sold initially for $19.99. Yeah, that's right -- 20 bucks. President freakin' Jackson. Actually I think it's Andrew Jackson.

And this post will mark the end of Top Five lists and the genesis of lists of six (catchy segment name TBD), because Z. Baker ended his lists of five and replaced them with his Magnificent 7.

Six Cool Things about ESPN 2K5 (besides its price):

1. ESPN talent. The game will feature "virtual representations" of Chris Berman and Suzy Kolber. Trey Wingo anchors the SportsCenter desk with injuries and updates. Mel Kiper Jr., the hardest working analyst in sports, shows up after Week 8 with details about the upcoming draft. And yes, I'm sure the awesomeness of Mel's hair takes up half the storage space in the game.
2. Customized team practices. Not that I would know what to do, but you can tinker with the regiments your players undergo each week in Franchise Mode. You can tell them how much to lift (and how often), what the mood in the meeting room is (happy or tense), what film your quarterback watches, and what the coaches focus on. With all these options, I could be a shoe-in to be the virtual equivalent of Marty Mornhinweg.
3. Online play. The XBox version lets you play a 16-week, 32-team league online. What it also features is a VIP profile system, where players can download profiles of their opponents, which will contain a lot of information, such as their favorite hot route and pass play, so you can practice against that one play they always use. "What's that? A non-Halo reason to buy XBox?"
4. First person play. You can see what the player sees. If you don't like it in a given play, you can toggle between first and normal camera modes. What a great way to re-master the game by playing as the quarterback. That makes it a lot harder to avoid the blitz and to fool the other guy as to who you're throwing to.
5. Neat little things. XBox owners can upload music CDs into their console and play music through the stadium's PA system between plays and halftime. If this feature becomes the standard, Bon Jovi will cease to exist. Also, incoming college players have randomized (but realistic) faces. No longer are rookies just a silhouette.
6. No boring Maddenisms. Suffice to say, this game is Whap-less.

Six Neat Things about Madden 2005:
1. Compatability with NCAA Football. As always, you can take those actual players from the NCAA game and slowly incorpate them with NFL teams through the draft. ESPN has computer generated college players. I'm not sure if you can transfer coaching profiles (that would be hard -- it would require both games to share information), but wouldn't that be something? An NFL team in Owner's Mode needs a good coach, and instead of promoting a coordinator, they could tap into a successful college coach. If that's not a feature, and one of the Madden/ESPN programmers happens to be reading this, feel free to use that idea. I have no problem ... collecting royalties ... if you decide to use it for the 2006 edition!
2. Create-A-Fan. Customize a big fat guy with no shirt on in the middle of December. I hope the EyeToy for PlayStation will enable players to create themselves as fans, but since they're already the owner, that would look very unprofessional -- the owner in a cheesehead and a foam finger.
3. Media, media, media. After every game, some radio guy named Tony Bruno will sound off on how your team did. Apparently there is over 20 hours of video of this guy, and he has interviews of some of the head coaches. From the radio to the newspaper, USA Today and city newspapers will feature your team's performance on the front sports page. No, the Toledo Blade is probably not in this.
4. The Hit Stick. Using this at the right time (it's one of the analog sticks) will make your tackle bone-crunchingly sweet.
5. Play changing. ESPN might have this too, but there are a lot of more options you can control during gameplay. For instance, sometimes your defender switches to someone else closer, but you can make it so that your fastest guy doesn't get stuck with the tight end. Offensive plays can change formation without changing routes, and all that other gridiron minutia that will make those fatass armchair quarterbacks very happy.
6. Madden-ful. Whether you hate him or not, this guy's got Madden, and you love to hear it. "He was waiting for something to develop, and BOOM! He got developed!"

Game Informer's final analysis?
"While Madden will probably still lead in sales, it looks like this is the year that ESPN beats Madden as a game."

Wow, that's bold.
(No, wait. It's not. This is bold.)
(Some of that was italic, too.)
(More like this was italic.)
(The first "this," not that other "this.")
(Now that I look at it again, the whole sentence was bold, with 33 percent of the words being in italics as well.)
(You've gotten so confused you probably haven't made it this far yet, and never will. You will instead ready your shotgun to murder me by now.)

Aspiring writers, Part 1

2004-07-14T22:39:00.000-04:00

Every so often, we at the BG News receive submissions through the listproc from outside sources. They have no ties to the newspaper or University -- they simply want their voice heard.

Stephen Crockett and Al Lawrence are the hosts of Democratic Talk Radio. They submit a regular editorial to the BG News, and never do we print their works or those of other aspiring columnists who have nothing to do with BGSU.

I wanted to save them some grief, and our editors even more time. I sent this e-mail to Crockett and Lawrence:

Mr. Crockett,

We would ask that you discontinue e-mailing columns to our BG News
mailing list.

The BG News is an independent newspaper published for the community of
Bowling Green State University by students of BGSU, and we do not
consider outside material for publication.

Thank you,

Matt Sussman
BG News Opinion Editor

I got a response rather quickly from one of the writers:

No.

You can decide not to use it but as good journalist should be exposed to these
views. Asking anyone to not send their views to your newspaper goes against
freedom of speech and our press freedom.

Mee-yow. Apparently someone never heard of not wanting spam mail.